For as long as I can remember - I've had a longstanding battle with my own inner world. Anxiety, depression, and addiction.
I remember being 8 years old and sitting at a Texas Roadhouse with my family. I did not like butter, or want butter on my roll; but I HAD to put it on there and eat it. My reasoning? Every single member of my family is eating this butter and if they all die because of it I don't want to be the only one left alive. WTF.
These thoughts were not uncommon for me growing up - and would often send me into deep emotional spirals where I would shut myself in my bedroom and try to escape them. I held a ton of anxiety and fear around most things; school, friends, family, death, life, everything. I never felt like I belonged here, like I was craving a home that I couldn't find.
By the time I was a young adult in college, I began experimenting with pills and alcohol. At first, these things were a relief. The thoughts were suppressed and emotions were numbed. The pills helped me excel in school - which was something I also struggled with growing up. The alcohol helped me relax and shut down.
It wasn't long before I was in an endless cycle of pills and booze.
However, these things never solved the root of my anxiety. They only created more and more depression as dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain were pretty much nonexistent without substances.
You know what they say... mental health and addiction will most likely lead to some sort of spiritual awakening. (OK thats what I say). This was absolutely the case for me. Oh, I woke up. But not in a nice.. sweet.. grounded kind of way. No this was like a paranoia.. what the fuck is the government doing.. kinda way. I was ungrounded as fuck with a third eye SPINNING. Loco mode activated. That's for another blog. ;)
After ditching the pills, a lot of grounding work (basically connecting within my body and to the earth), and learning about the subconscious mind, I'm in a much better place in life. And more importantly, I understand myself better. Of course I still struggle from time to time with anxious thoughts and depressive feelings. But through it all, I love myself. Deeply, and truly. And that my friend...is the whole fucking point of it all.
xoxo
Colleen
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